Brit's: Mean Words At The Office

The sound of ticking-and-taping of keyboard sounds me. Everywhere. I take a deep breath. I reach under my desk and grab my purse and start to rummage through the abyss. Fumbling through all of my shit-which I am still trying to understand why I have to have so much crap. I move my Purell and found the item I wanted most. My Ipod. I gingerly place each ear piece in the appropriately labeled ear (left goes into the left, and the right goes into the right geesh) and turn on the music. *ah* soliace of the blasting hard rock that is on there at the moment.

My job is filled with bullshit, and mostly back-stabbing women. Its always girls who enjoy the untenable turmoil of others. Why? Because girls don't "beat each other up" if things go airway. Their form of "dueling" is the act of verbal abuse. Please that whole saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is probably the worlds biggest load of crap I have ever heard. Please, I would much rather pull out the fista-cuffs then deal with the harsh words, so much easier. And now as the song "hit me with your best shot" blasts through my earphones shows me that sometimes enough is freaking enough. Women are mean and malicious with their actions and its quite scary.

Yesterday in particular, was kinda an off day. I hate coming into work with everyone (well a majority of the downstairs folks I work with) likes to whisper about me. I was chained at my desk with a lot more anger than usual. All because I saw in written words, what my so called "office mother" wrote to someone else about me "oh I get it, she's too busy with her boyfriend to do school work, she she comes to work and does it" --wow hold up. First I am sure you are wondering how I saw this, at the firm here (I work at a Law office) we have this thing called "stickies" kinda like instant messaging through out the office. She left this stickie up, and I just happened to see it because I was answering the backup phone at her desk, cause I don't have one at mine. Low and behold the words were there, and of course out of human nature you are going to read whatever it is that's laid out on the screen.

Here's the deal, besides the obvious. I decide to change my career from a history teacher to become a paralegal. I got interested because when I started working here part time in the winter of 07' law was cool. Still is but if only the ends justify the means right? In June of 2009 I became full time here and then in September I enrolled at Kaplan University online for my paralegal degree. Things seemed all honky dory if you will, I was allowed to bring in school work, ask questions, and I enjoyed asking questions from the professionals. I was on the Presidents List thanks to the A's I had received. Then, everything, started to go downhill. It was before hand just a little with one woman who I swear had a personal vendetta against me for nothing but she left the firm and I thought all was calm in the land. WRONG-O. My "office mom" and the girl out front had started to talk shit about me. They watched my every move, what I did, what I was doing. I deleted them off of my facebooks (no-blocked them actually) because we weren't friends, they were just keeping tabs on me, you know just in case if I had logged on at all to day. (funny cause they would have to too...right? hmm) They observed how long I was using my cellphone (that I am not allowed to have at my desk cause my boss swears I have a texting problem....yaaa haha) or how long I have been in the ladies room wondering what on earth I could really be doing. Drugs. Simple. Wow. The beauty of this is that, I know some dirt on one of these girls that could potinally destroy her marriage. She shouldn't be so careless with things....

Since all of this mean back-stabbing stuff has been happening, my grades have dropped from A's to C's. I don't care about school anymore. It just doesn't feel the same as it use to when I first started out. I wanted to be able to come to work with a smile on my face, and to think I would be the one to excel over all because I already work at a law office with the people I need to be with. WRONG. Every time someone from the downstairs area freaking starts being all buddy-buddy with me I bite my tongue hard enough to either lose it or just taste the blood. Now hold it-- I have already spoken with my boss. He says if I catch them saying things about me come to him, but other than that I have no proof of this. OH wow wait-- and before you roll your eyes even more, The reason why I stay, is because first of all, where I live there is nothing here but working at McDonald's OR being a chamber maid and being paid 10x's less than what I make here. (though that isn't really enough either) And the days that don't entirely suck, are tolerable. I do take for granted the days that everyone is getting along. I have learned that hey, if my boss wanted me fired, then he would have fired me LOOOOOONG ago. And its kinda funny to see them all frustrated when I get away with things that they think I should be punished for. I am trying to get back into the school mode and do my best. It will look wonderful on my updated resume that I had worked for a law firm during (maybe? dunno what the future holds!) my college career.

I know that no matter where you go I am not always going to get along with everyone, and that's fine. The world isn't a perfect place, because the people in it are not perfect. I have been known to be outspoken at times when I shouldn't. I know I should confront those who speak ill of me but I am afraid by doing so will only make this third-layer of hell worse. I find that perhaps silence is the best answer for some things rather more than words. Its just sad that I in the end-will know everything. I always do. Though I know you should always tell someone how you feel, but its different when you're a grown up. This isn't high school anymore. This is the real world and the real world down right sucks at times.

From this experience, I will take with me to whatever other firm I will go to when I graduate college. I know deep down in my heart I will get my B.A. in Paralegal studies and become someone. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger in the end, and I know I am the bigger person than those words.

-Britney.

(I am sure that the mention of mean girls wont be the last time I say anything either....ha ha)

Ash: The Doomed Efforts of the "Nice Girl"

You know that old saying "nice guys finish last"?
Whoever invented that saying had a mild form of redundancy, because apparently the term goes both ways...
I have not been involved in a serious relationship for more than two years. I was content with this. My last serious relationship, in which the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" were used, ended in utter and complete disaster.
He was a mental and physical abuser, and a drug aficionado. I was a naive girl who didn't have the courage to remove myself when things became very--very bad.
Therefore, I have been discouraged...and dare I say disdainful...about involving myself in a serious, committed relationship at this age. I figure that when I get older, I'll certainly have more security with myself, and may be able to take on such a feat. But life, mon amis, never occurs as planned...

Insert "Damien".
I had met him through a mutual friend, and he pursued me tirelessly for months.
"Damien" was not my ideal vision of a man. I had promised myself a tall, strong-minded intellectual. Damien was neither tall (standing at 5'8), nor strong-minded (he could not make any decisions), and certainly not intellectual (he was confused when I cited Bronte in casual conversation)...yet, he was charming, and very sweet.
I allowed him to take me out.
I allowed him to tell me I was "amazing".
I said yes when he asked me to be his girlfriend, formally, over a dinner of homemade pancakes.

Two weeks into the relationship, he's disoriented and doesn't know what he wants.
I had warned him:
I am not a walk in the park.
I am a determined, steadfast woman with opinions and an iron character. My desire for stimulation in conversation vexed him, and he said he would try, but he never pulled through.
To make matters worse, he broke up with me...while I was at work...OVER FACEBOOK.

What I do not, and perhaps will never understand, is how could I be dumped in such a way, when I treated him so well?
A few examples:
- I surprised him with a coconut snowcone one afternoon, because he had said it was his favorite
- I went to see him play soccer at 7pm after returning from a very tiring weekend in Houston--having not slept for three nights straight, and remained with him at the field until 10pm
- I made him dinner on several occasions
- I took him to a concert in Baton Rouge--AND PAID FOR HIS TICKET.

What did I do wrong?

Why did he become confused?

The night before he broke up with me, we spent the night together talking, and holding one another, and he was smiling from ear to ear...
The next morning, only hours after we had parted...he tells me he believes we're too different...
Too different? Or am I just too sure of myself to be his girlfriend?

Perhaps he'd prefer an immature slut with daddy-issues.


Peace. Love. & CherryBombs.

Brit's: For my Grammie

Tomorrow will by my Grandmothers 74th Birthday. In all she would have been 74 if only she survived her battle of cervical cancer on August 13, 2008 that went unnoticed till fully it was too late.

My Grandmother has always been the inspiration of my every being. She told me that one day I would publish something because I wrote all the time. She would read my short stories and poems with full wonder. Now no one really reads my poems unless I truly feel like they are worthy enough. My Gram read EVERYTHING.

I just wanted to say that she is still near and dear to my heart. She was a quiet and shy type of lady who spoke up when something finally hit her. I have to thank this woman who during her last year watched as her only granddaughter but herself through living hell. My Gram knew I had an eating disorder and a drug addiction. (I am clean and healthy now guys) She was quiet none the less but let me cry and scream when ever I wanted to get my feelings out. She would listen when I no one else would. She never judged me or criticized me or anything. Now its almost 2 years since she has been gone almost 2 years since I have held her, hugged her, or even heard her voice. It was hard calling the house and not hearing her voice. The picture above was taken at my High school Graduation of course.

For anyone who has lost someone really close to them, you can relate to my pain that I feel. The day that she died I swear a part of me had died with her. I held her hand till she took her last breath. I remember that I was starting to rub under my eyes almost raw from how much crying I had done. Really after the funeral I didn't have much time to grieve. I had to go back to work put a game face on and pretend I was happy when it felt like my whole world came crashing down upon me. My best friend was gone and I was lonely.

I have so many wonderful memories of my Gram that I keep hidden in a vault in the back of my mind that when something bad happens I always think of it. I can still hear her voice if I listen carefully. I played my Clarinet for the first time in almost a year this morning and I just remembered her and my Grandfather NEVER missed a single concert I was in. She loved my music. She also made the best home-made corn chowder and that whenever I have someone elses it will never be good enough as hers. She also made a killer apple pie too. For the fact that she was quite she was so smart. I miss how she use to always harp on me about either my school work or my college studies. (I took a year off of school after she died.) I wish she could see me now with my Paralegal work. She would be so proud and she would have loved Jason. (she wasn't really too found of my last boyfriend. ha ha) I am shocked at how long she even dealt with my Grandfathers crazy antics but that's love for you. She was strong and never showed she was in pain. I think I adopted that from her. I also adopted her sweet gentleness when I want to be...She showed me how to sew and to knit. I just remember sitting on the couch and watching movies with her or even talking about the most random things. She even let me listen to my hard rock music.

I guess I could go on and on about this woman that I love so near and dear. Heck I even have hers and my Grandfathers initials tattooed into my arm. My Grandparents raised me when my mother (their daughter) couldn't really do it herself. But that's another story all on its own.

Recently I have been going through this turtle thing and I want one. This morning after my little clarinet session I was digging through her dresser to find a pin to wear with my sweater. Low and be hold there was a Turtle Pin.
Seems like my Gram knew I was looking for something. She did always have something up her sleeve.

For those out there that still have your Grandparents, be thankful. I feel so VERY fortunate to have had mine and be so very close. Grandparents are the gate way to the past to shape who you are today. I hope everyone is as lucky as I.

--Brit.